"WE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED"

screamed at me in the latest TC article I read (O' Connell,49-51). My building epiphany had finally come full circle. 

 I could be as honest as I wanted to be, it's okay. It's unusual, but okay.

 Lately I've had it up to here with the "elaborate dance" of social expectations and what not (19). I'm tired of pretending I don't understand or pretending I do understand. I just want to be raw with the world because I think everyone knows deep down inside that's how you can get the most out of life. 

 I know this will not be easy. Even in O'Connell's article his own experience did not pay off. And most won't, most will result in weird states, uncomfortable conversations and maybe even an unpleasant comment or two. But it's okay! Because someone is going to recognize that honesty in me and maybe find it "refreshing" or maybe even "new age" (they're just going to appreciate my bad-assness,okay?). Then there will be another person and another and sooner (or later) I'll be surrounded be all these lovely individuals who actually love me. And I won't have to nod my head and smile every time they tell me they had a weight limit when it comes to the men they date, or when they say that they're excited to try their fourth religion of the year. I can simply shake my head in disapproval and they'll be okay with that, because they have their life and I have mine.

 So I'm gonna wear my Leia buns for my Senior ID photo because fuck it, I've got less than a year left at that school and I don't really care who stares anymore. I'm not going to give half ass suggestions and then just give up when my mom is feeling down. I'm certainly not going to keep lying to myself when I say that "I'm gonna write today", if I'm not feeling it I'm not feeling.

 But damn this is therapeutic.